| Might as well |
[Aug. 27th, 2007|12:21 am] |
Today was my last official day of summer vacation. I didn't realize it until just a moment ago. I've mostly moved on from the livejournal trend, but this is most appropriate place for me to express my feelings for reasons I can't really get into. Hint: it has to do with a girl. Suprise! Anyways.
I didn't really grow much this summer. That sort of ends a trend; the summers before I felt like I learned a lot, dealt with a lot of obstacles, overcame most of them, and well, became a better person. I'm fully content not knowing who I am as a person, but I feel even more frazzled than ever. Maybe that's not the right word. Anonymous? Enigmatic? I guess I'll go with enigmatic for lack of a better word.
I simply don't know who I am. I've had an exceptionally hard time analyzing my past actions and relating them to my present and future actions. I used to think I had a good handle on who I am as a person, but I've dealt with many new situations recently and I've acted... well, differently.
I think a lot of this has to do with my stepdad passing away. The way I've reacted to him dieing... it's confuses me. My actions don't follow the trends I've created. I don't cry when I lose people. I move on right away. I'm fairly content being alone.
... but when I lost him, something happened. I don't know what it was. I guess part of it is I'm scared to deal with it, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. I haven't developed the particular bond with a person that has made me comfortable enough to bring it up. It's not like I can say, "hey, I'm going to talk about my stepdad and cry for 3 hours." I mean, I did that once, but I was drunk and high, and while it helped a little, it definitely wasn't enough.
Maybe my lack for closure is a result of my complete respect for Mr. Anthony Baxter Jr. Respect, according to Kant, is a mixture of appreciation and fear, and I sort of feared my stepfather while completing appreciating him. By fear I don't mean that I was scared of him; rather I understood that his life experiences were so much more complex than mine and that I couldn't possibly understand what he went through. I believe I've gone through some tough situations, but I've lived the life of a prince compared to him.
I know I'll never completely get over him dieing, but I'm not even close right now. It's been over 8 months now, and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all. Everytime I think of him, I feel my tear ducts prepare... then calm down.
But I've digressed a great deal. I guess the point of that was I haven't done much to bring closure to my life. Maybe I didn't write enough music. Maybe I didn't drink enough (or drank too much). Maybe I didn't date the girl or hang out with my friends enough. Whatever the case, I haven't been in the right environment. Sometimes I want to say, 'I have to do this alone' but that doesn't seem right. How can I possibly deal with this alone? I mean, I think I'm an rather intelligent, capable human being, but death is so far beyond human reason. We can't comprehend it nearly enough to cope with it... and I'm certainly not coping.
I guess besides that, I still didn't make much progress in many areas. I didn't do anything special musically. I didn't develop any sort of meaningful relationship. I didn't make new, awesome friends.
I guess if I did one important thing this summer, it was realizing who I need and who I don't and what the role those people I need play.
Steve, Robby, Sam, Connie... I love you. I'm a fuck up and I will hurt you many more times, but I will always come back to you. I appreciate your friendship more than I can explain, and I'm sorry for anything I have ever done to hurt you.
I'm done being lovey-dovey.
I guess I became a better car racer. I became much better at singing and playing guitar. I still haven't felt like I've made many great advances. Maybe this was first official summer as an American adult... working for a living, not becoming a better person, and simply coping with the everyday mediocrity that pervades our culture.
Maybe this was just a lull and something great is about to happen. Maybe I'll finally find time to have Nick Sandoval over to jam and we will make something beautiful. Maybe I'll fall in love with... (I need to stop). Maybe changing my major to international business was a great decision, and I'll find a way to make the world a better place (sorry for the cliche) while "bettering" myself, at least in the American sense.
This summer... it's over. I'm not going to look back and say, "I wish I fell in love" or "I wish I made more progress towards becoming an acceptable and compassionate human being." I will say, however, that this summer was enough to make me hope to have at least a few more...
... I still think life is meaningless and absurd, but it's still better than being a decaying piece of matter in a wooden box. I can feel pleasure... and as long as I feel pleasure at least 25% of the time, I'm going to abstain from offing myself. Right now life is generally pleasurable abotu 60% of the time, so life would have to get much worse for me to decide to end it all. (This was sort of a morbid joke... don't read into it too much).
To recap:
Steve, Robby, Sam, and Connie: I still love you, even at the end of this post.
Life is okay
My concept of Hope is probably the same as most people's concept of God (I know I didn't talk about this)
I need to expand my parameters (Again... didn't talk about this)
I will never truly understand Anthony Baxter Jr. and the role he played in my life... but I know enough to say he was an amazing human being that accomplished more than 95% of the people I have met in my life. He felt more love in his life than I could feel if I lived 50 times.
This is to you Tony... You would have been 45 yesterday... and I'm sorry you couldn't have lived longer, so I could have shown you how much you taught me and how much you made me appreciate this absurd little journey called life.
There we go... a tear just came down.
I'm done. |
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[Jun. 24th, 2007|10:12 pm] |
I haven't posted in over 6 months.
I've done some thinking since then, and I've realized this:
I'm an asshole.
See you guys in 6 months. |
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[Dec. 11th, 2006|06:07 pm] |
After 6 months of battling small cell cancer, my stepfather passed away at 9:30 in the morning on Sunday. He was 44 years old.
My stepfather, Anthony Baxter, was easily the greatest influence on my life since the time he came into my life when I was still in middle school. My life will be very empty without him.
These 6 months have been some of the toughest I've ever faced. It was an emotionally trying time everytime I saw him, especially at events like his birthday party knowing it would be his last. Everytime he hugged me, I knew he was wondering if this was the last time we could see each other. While I wish he never went, I'm glad he's no longer feeling pain. I've never seen anyone go through what he has both before and after he was diagnosed.
I know the coming months are only going to be tougher as I try to help get my mother back onto her feet and try to ease the pain of my siblings. He was the one that kept our family together. He was the one that fixed the relationships between everyone in the household. He had a way with words and feelings that would put everyone in line and help us realize that "in the grand scheme of things" everything we experience is so small.
I have so much more to say, but I can't articulate much of what I feel right now. I can't describe what I saw him go through. I can't explain what it was like to see my mother hysterically crying over his lifeless body or what it was like for me to break the news to my sister that her stepfather, the man who was there everyday as she was battling cancer, will no longer be there to help her through her illness and through her future troubles.
I'll never understand what death really is and what it means. None of us can. Its something we can't truly experience until it happens, and then it's too late to make any use of the knowledge. I do believe, however, that we can understand little pieces of death by understanding what people are going through.
I will understand death by remembering exactly how it felt everytime my stepfather hugged me and said "I love you" when he knew he would soon die. I will understand death by remembering how much it hurt to hear him say, "I'm sorry it's ending this way" to my sister... expressing his guilt that he could no longer be her father. I will understand death by remembering the way he looked at my mother, and the way he stared at the necklace he gave her on their 3rd anniversary. The expression on his face at that moment will be in my mind forever. It brought me to tears... and I can only hope to understand the love her felt for my mother.
For those of you who were fortunate enough to meet my stepfather or even hear stories about him, I'm posting the information about his wake and funeral.
Wake: Tomorrow, December 12th. Oehler Funeral Home, 2099 Miner St., Des Plaines, IL. 3:00-9:00.
Funeral: December 13th. 10:00 at St Zachary's in Des Plaines. |
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[Nov. 15th, 2006|07:47 pm] |
So I know I only have two posts left to use... so I'll make this one cover a lot.
First of all... come to this. Everyone. Anyone. It's going to be a good, good time.
second... if you didn't hear about my incident yesterday, I'll repost what I put in my Myspace bulletin:
Although it's only 1:45, I feel confident in saying that today is awesome, all because I helped end a high speed pursuit. I may have even helped kill someone. I'm not really sure though. Here's the story:
Part of my job is making deliveries. I had one today in East Dundee by Higgins (Main Street) and Penny Ave. (Route 68). I dropped my delivery off and prepared to turn right onto 68. I saw two cars coming, but they were a good distance away, so I pulled over into the left lane and accelerated towards Higgins. When I looked into my rearview, the car I pulled in front of (a green Chevy Blazer) was RIGHT behind me. Before I could even think, 'what the fuck? He was way behind me!' he sped around me, went over the median, and swerved towards the red light ahead.
I sat dumbfounded and didn't even consider the fact that I almost died because the Blazer was going at least 75 MPH. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say he was going close to 90. Not to mention the speed limit was 30 or 35.
But I kept watching the Blazer. He swerved back and forth all the way to the light, and I realized he wasn't stopping for the red light even as traffic was coming. I honestly couldn't move. I had no idea what was going on. I kept moving forward (not sure if I was accelerating or braking) and saw the Blazer blow through the red light barely missing cars the oncoming cars. He was still swerving from losing control over the median when he passed me. He couldn't make the turn all the way, so he went over the other median on Higgins. His car turned sideways.
The tires lost grip, all four wheels went in the air as the car was sideways, and the truck proceeded to roll on its side once... twice... three times and kept going. I lost count but I know he made at least 5 rolls. It may have been up to eight... but again, too much was going for my mind to keep up. I still hadn't realized that a green Blazer passed me at 80 MPH or more.
I was stunned. I looked in my rearview mirrors and realized there were at least 5 speeding cops cars behind me, so I moved over and sped towards the green light ahead since there were only two lanes, and I was in one of them.
I let one pass me. He sped up, and parked next to what was left of the Blazer (there wasn't much). Before even checking on the driver, he pulled out his gun and walked towards the truck.
I looked back again and saw that I need to move for the other cop cars, so I went through the green right and turned left onto Higgins, and almost got hit by 2 cops cars coming from the other street. From what I saw there were at least 5 cops cars following him, 2 or 3 were coming from one direction on Higgins and another 2 or 3 from the other direction. So, there were at least 10 cops cars there only 30 seconds after the whole thing happened.
I didn't know if should have stopped and talked to the Cops about how I just caused this guy to swerve out of control and flip his truck.
Needless to say, I was confused. Too much was going on. I didn't realize I could have died until 10 minutes later. I didn't realize the person in the Blazer could be dead until 20 minutes later. Way too much happened for me to rationalize any of what happened, so I decided to just drive away.
In the end, I stopped a high speed pursuit and almost died in the process. Perhaps I helped end someone's life. Who knows. I guess I did "stop a bad guy." (I don't really believe that).
I think there is some comedic value to the whole thing. I mean, all I did was try to make a right hand turn. I didn't do anything wrong, because if the driver was going anywhere close to the posted speed limit, he wouldn't have ever come close to my car until we reached the red light... which he went through anyways.
What an awesome day.
This is what they posted in the Daily Herald about it today:
Driver in crash accused of holding woman against her will By Jeffrey Gaunt
Daily Herald Staff Writer
Posted Wednesday, November 15, 2006 A Carpentersville man was arrested Tuesday in East Dundee after flipping his car while fleeing with a woman police say he held against her will. Cedric R. Stewart, 23, of 814 Ollie Court #3B, was charged with domestic battery, battery and unlawful restraint, and he will likely face additional traffic charges, police said. Stewart and the 24-year-old female victim were taken to Elgin’s Sherman Hospital to receive treatment for minor injuries, police said. East Dundee police said they were trying to stop the vehicle at the time of the crash, after Elgin police told them Stewart was wanted for taking the victim at an Elgin laundry. “An attempt was going to be made to make contact with the vehicle,” East Dundee detective Mike Seyller said. “However, they crashed before a traffic stop could be initiated.” Elgin police said they received a domestic battery call just after 11 a.m. Friday from the laundry on the 1100 block of Larkin Avenue. Stewart had chased the victim into the business, pushed an employee who tried to stop him, and then forced the woman into his car and sped off, police said. Police said Stewart was later seen driving in Carpentersville, and then again in East Dundee, where he drove over the median, rolled the vehicle several times, and crashed into a fence outside of a playground at Immanuel Lutheran School. Stewart has a history of arrests since 2000, according to police records, with charges including drug possession, domestic battery, resisting arrest and obstruction of justice. Police said Stewart was taken to the Elgin jail to await bond call this morning.
So I helped a kidnapped woman. I rule.
And yes... come on Friday. Its going to be an awesome time. I'm really excited.
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[Oct. 29th, 2006|08:23 pm] |
1/3
You know what's scary? I have no idea what my life is going to be like in 2-3 months. I don't have the sligthest clue. Chances are I'll be living someplace different, my Mom and sister will be someplace new, my friend group will change greatly, my job situation will change... the only constant I forsee is I still plan on attending Elmhurst. Besides that... I have no idea what my life is going to be like.
You know what is going to be incredibly healthy for me? I have no idea what my life is going to be like in 2-3 months. I don't have the sligthest clue. Chances are I'll be living someplace different, my Mom and sister will be someplace new, my friend group will change greatly, my job situation will change... the only constant I forsee is I still plan on attending Elmhurst. Besides that... I have no idea what my life is going to be like. |
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[Oct. 27th, 2006|01:26 pm] |
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What I plan on doing 2 hours from now is long, long overdue.
I won't miss anything here.
I think I'm going to post 3 more things before I get rid of my livejournal account for good.
This was kind of a waste of one.
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[Oct. 24th, 2006|01:53 am] |
I'm ready to finally delete this journal. I made the attempt about a year and half ago, but failed due to my inability to save my past posts. I still want to keep a record of all my previous entries.
Therefore, I must ask does anyone have a good method to saving all of my previous posts and possibly the comments associated with them? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|12:09 am] |
I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge transition in life.
This is the time in which I figure out who my true friends are
reevaluate my family situation
take a lot of walks
smoke and drink more than I should
starting writing again
play more guitar
ditch more classes
maybe even cry once
but at the end, ill be in a better place.
this is going to be a long one i think. maybe 6 months to a year. its begun already. its hard to say how far i am.
a lot is going to change.
ill probably move out. get a second job. maybe even find a girl to take care of me.
if i can find a way to save all my previous posts, LJ will be gone. myspace will be ignored.
im not going to find myself... im going to find whats around me, and perhaps define myself according to my environment, which means ill have to expand my environment a great deal.
its time to start again. |
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[Oct. 22nd, 2006|03:45 am] |
Dear Laura Catizone,
Come back to Illinois. Ohio is just too far for you to be. I hate not being able to call you to hang out, especially on nights like tonight in which I really need a friend. I don't have any of those here.
Dear Laura Catizone,
Since I know you aren't coming home for awhile, can I come out next weekend? I hate everyone here. I need someone to talk to about life. I need someone who respects life. If I don't see you soon, I'm just going to walk in front of a train. Not to put pressure on you or anything. |
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[Oct. 21st, 2006|06:35 pm] |
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(post deleted due to the presense of emotions I have not exhibited in a great deal of time) |
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[Oct. 19th, 2006|11:27 pm] |
Its been a really long time since I've done this.
I have no idea how it will turn out.
... but for once I'm not sure that I really care. I used to say that a lot, but this time I may mean it.
I have no idea what has gotten into me. Its strange... very, very strange. |
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[Oct. 10th, 2006|12:27 pm] |
Hope and I have a very interesting relationship.
In one regard, hope leads me to inaction... in another, action.
I'd elaborate, but you'd all think I'm cwayzee.
I now plan to end every entry with the "word" cwayzee.
cwayzee. |
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[Oct. 8th, 2006|02:55 am] |
I'm probably just jealous. I tend to get that way, and the answer is always the same:
get over it. move on. wait for your time to come.
I can live with that.
"after all, what's wrong with second best?"
now I'll bury myself in my studies.
... but sleep first. |
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[Oct. 6th, 2006|05:36 pm] |
I'm going to be like everyone else and send angry messages via livejournal to highlight my immaturity:
you're such a fucking douche bag!
fuckin' asshole. |
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[Sep. 29th, 2006|03:36 pm] |
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sonsa bitches.
not sure who I'm directing that towards... but be weary!
this is my grr face... grr
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[Sep. 29th, 2006|12:05 am] |
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Days that don't involve communicating with Connie Oshana aren't really days at all. |
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[Sep. 27th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
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Bitches be craaaazy! |
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[Sep. 19th, 2006|12:15 am] |
I know what I should do.
Hold on. Allow me to revise that statement.
I think I know what I should do.
That's better I hope. I don't want to convey a false sense of confidence. The situation is much too complex to pretend that I know exactly how I should respond.
I do feel that I have a good idea though.
To quote one of my favorite movies, I will find out "in time."
"in time"
those two words express a great deal. |
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[Sep. 17th, 2006|04:11 am] |
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I almost forgot how much I love Chicago.
... and then I remember how much more I love my home.
tonight was the night I needed yesterday.
much, much better... me that is |
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[Sep. 16th, 2006|03:15 pm] |
i dont speak my mind as much as i should.
if i expressed my feelings more frequently, even more people would think im an asshole, but that something I think i can accept. |
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[Sep. 7th, 2006|11:41 pm] |
I think my philosophy on friendship is very hard to define, especially for me.
All I know is that I don't settle for mediocre friends. I value my life too much to associate with those that I feel don't care about me as much as I think a friend should.
... but I have many good friends... friends that do care for my well-being.
tomorrow is going to be a good night.
about 3 and a half months of hard work will be expressed in a 30 minute set. |
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[Sep. 7th, 2006|01:19 am] |
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I think I'm getting my priorities straight...
wait, I just played Super Smash Brothers until 1 in the morning with my band... and I'm going to bed without doing my homework hoping I have time in between work and class.
Okay... most of the time I have my priorities straight.
At least I can choose a good group of friends. |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2006|03:49 pm] |
I live in a country where people follow philosophical doctrines created by Sex and the City and shitty Fall Out Boy songs.
It shouldn't be hard to succeed here, yet I feel like there's so much left to accomplish. |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2006|11:51 am] |
hah!
you don't get it!
muahaha |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2006|12:09 am] |
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don't be sad my epic poem writing friend.
the world is more than notebooks and pencils.
and precribed medicines and late night movies
and leftover dinners and extra blankets.
you'll always be sad, and that i know.
and sorry is all you and i can ever be. |
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[Aug. 29th, 2006|05:35 pm] |
I forgot what it was like to be a student...
I think I like it.
I like this place.
I think I might be able to observe a high school class... perhaps at Elk Grove.
that would be splendid.
Back to long days... today I started work at 7, straight to one class... 2 hour break for coffee/homework, and back to another class that ends at 9... then off to practice with my band.
but I love that. I love not being stressed anymore (like I was my first two years of high school), and its because I respect what I do. My life is okay.
now I'm off to be educated.
I like saying that
"off to be educated" |
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[Aug. 27th, 2006|01:16 am] |
I'm a little disappointed that pretty much none of my friends called today.
Singing happy birthday for my stepfather may have been one of the saddest things I've ever done.
... yeah, just so you guys know. Thanks.
I'm done being a baby and expecting respect and support from people.
I'm not going to pretend I didn't have a good time today. I hung out with good people. I got to see my family. My cousin's puppy is adorable. and I'm pretty sure you're adorable too.
I'm done. I'm hungry and tired and stuff.
In summation: slightly disappointed but had a good day. |
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[Aug. 26th, 2006|05:04 pm] |
I'm going to repost this just for anyone for who has said something similar to "its sad that it happened but it was his own fault." I can't even begin to describe how selfish I find that.
The post is about Sam Pavone, another Elk Grove High School student who died making a risky decision.
I think this applied very well to the current situation with Kevin Roman.
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[Aug. 26th, 2006|03:34 am] |
... so I got my first guitar on Christmas day when I was 11. It was part of a Guitar Center starter kit for $300. The kit came with everything I needed: guitar, 15 watt practice amp, picks, strap, video, etc. It was an Ibanez RG100... nothing special at all obviously. I remember sitting there, just moving my fingers up and down each fret, thinking I could play 144 different notes since there were 6 strings and 24 frets on each, and I practiced the 3 chords my uncle jimmy taught me on his guitar (E, A, and G).
I watched the video of some guy soloing like crazy and thought, "I need to learn to play like that."
The guitar sat for a few months before I took lessons. I learned some basics and a few songs before my teacher told me I should move on mostly because I never really took interest in learning the more technical parts of guitar playing. I found guitar theory to be boring and soloing techniques were just too complicated to practice. I could manage hammer-ons, pull-offs, trills, slides, bend, harmonics, tapping, and a few others that I've learned to incorporate into my regular playing, but I found everything else not worthy of the 30 minutes of practice my guitar teacher recommended.
I'm a proficient guitar player, and I think I'm a really good song writer, but I've always been slow to all myself a "musician". I only play one instrument, and I'm very technical. So no, I don't consider myself a musician because I find that insulting to all the aspiring Steve Vais and Joe Satrianis out there.
But tonight after practicing with my band for a good 2 or 3 hours I came home and played some more songs and jazzy riffs for about an hour a half... and then started playing the intro to a Pink Floyd song with really fast hammer-ons... I could manage to play it before, but tonight it just seemed so effortless. I played it faster and it sounded better. So I pushed myself to play the same scales that my guitar teacher basically forced me to practice... and I actually played them quite well, and honestly it felt good... and I wish I had more to practice.
So I've decided... I want to be a musician. After 8 years of guitar playing I really need to buckle down and become a guitar player. Playing complicated chords, playing incredibly hard, and making spacey noises just isn't going to cut it anymore.
So on top of taking piano and vocal lessons at Elmhurst I think I'm going to take guitar again... for the first time in 7 years. |
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[Aug. 24th, 2006|12:00 am] |
hmm... apparently I've got a lot on my mind
-why haven't I seen Steve?
-I really need to get better at responding to people via my phone
-am I prepared for school to start?
-I should probably sign up for that basic skills class
-fuck... I hope they don't kick me out of the education classes because I haven't taken that test yet
-man my band has a lot of shit to get done in two weeks
-i wish my fuckin' delay pedal would work... and if I doesn't should/can I drop $300 on a new one?
-my guitar could use a set up/cleaning
-girls
-again... girls
-I really hope my house is open from practice this weekend
-I've been working a lot more than usual
-how much time am I going to have once school starts?
-do I have time to go on vacation with my family next weekend?
-how pissed are they going to be if I don't go?
-two weekends a row with the house to myself... weird
-do I have money for books?
-what books do I even need?
-maybe I should do some work to that bike before I start school
-shit... my Stepdad's BDay party is on Saturday
-that's actually a good thing
-I really need to work on my vocals for my band
-we still don't have our electronic drum set set up
-fuck?
-last time... girls
-I should/want to hang out with my cousin
-I hope my Grandpa feels better
-Man, my grandma is still acting weird
-I still need to buy some clothes
-Fuckin' credit cards
-but at least I can still pay them off every month
-... but goodbye savings account
-but thats okay because I've been able to pay for every semester of college thus far without depleting the fund my parents started for me
-my band may not sound perfect on the 8th, but we'll be pretty fuckin' good
-sorry I lied... girls
-My stepdad's party should be pretty awesome... but sad considering it will be his last birthday...
which brings me to this...
I know many of you haven't met my Stepdad, but this is going to be his last birthday... so if you've ever met or would like now, this may be the best and only time. So if you'd like to come to my Stepdad's birthday party on Saturday, just give me a call or text me. I and my family would find it wonderful.
Wow...
that's kind of a downer, isn't it?
but there are a lot of good things going on.
Balance... I guess. |
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[Aug. 19th, 2006|12:48 pm] |
this is going quite well...
still a bit uneasy...
but incredibly hopeful. |
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[Aug. 16th, 2006|01:31 am] |
I think out of all my friends, Connie and Rachael are the only ones that have really expressed concern.
Thank you for that. |
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[Aug. 14th, 2006|03:46 pm] |
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I try to balance the world out by:
talking less because I think most people talk too much.
reason: the world is a lot prettier when your mouth is shut.
doing things that bring me very little pleasure for other people
reason: because people are so fucking selfish... we automatically assume that if its outside our bodies and it doesn't make us feel good that its not worth our time.
that's all... I know I'm not a good person... but I do those two things to try to balance out my shitty actions and make the world slightly better.
I know there are things other people do that I don't... and they can make claims like I just did. I'm not better than anyone else. We are all equal on so many levels that our differences seem meaningless to me.
This post was provoked by something none of you will ever hear...
because I pull everything painful I feel inward...
well... maybe not.. because this is kind of an outward action, isn't it?
I thought about the inward/outward thing a lot today, and I feel that it has many implications.
As babies (and as adults now obviously) we experience hunger and thirst, both feelings that come from within us.
Thats inward.
We quench hunger and thirst objects outside our bodies... food and drink.
Thats outward.
So we feeling that make us feel pain or dissatisfaction come from within... and pleasure and relief comes from outside.
So perhaps it is just natural for us to assume that all things that come from outside our bodies should bring pleasure... otherwise its not relieving us or making us happy, so therefore we assume its not worthwhile.
I think there are many implications there.. that I won't go into; its really not worth it.
All that's important is that I believe we are naturally selfish...
but we can rise above that.
I've been working out that.
Right now I want a lot. I'm selfish...
I rarely want much.. but right now is different.
I'm finishing this before I go much further although there is so much more to say. |
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[Aug. 10th, 2006|02:17 am] |
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that would be pretty interesting |
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[Aug. 9th, 2006|01:24 pm] |
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So that's what that was. |
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[Aug. 8th, 2006|06:08 pm] |
I ran over a cat today.
It kind of bummed me out.
that was probably someone's housecat.
i don't really feel bad, because there wasn't much i could do, but it still kinda sucked.
my message to kitty:
I'm sorry kitty. I saw you running away from the woods across 59, and when I saw you made it past two lanes of traffic I thought you'd stop in the median. I was wrong and although you missed my front tire, the abrupt "thump" signalled that you didn't make it past my back set of tires. Then when I saw your head hit the bumper of the car behind me, I figured there wasn't a chance in hell you lived.
Sorry kitty... 59 is just not a place for cats.
what a fuckin' bummer. I'm the type of person that will stop in the street for a field mouse (which I did last week).
again... such a bummer. |
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[Aug. 7th, 2006|09:27 pm] |
Sometimes people can be really genuine.
Its easy to feel bad about the past... because you can reflect on the past.
Its harder to feel good about the future... because you can't reflect on something that hasn't happened.
I've been living by that. |
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[Aug. 5th, 2006|04:11 pm] |
I have to come clean.
Today I bought the following:
for my car-
Mother's wheel cleaner
I enjoy it... except that it has oxalic acid in it, and when inhaled is quite unhealthy. I found myself shielding my face as I was spraying my wheels.
Zymol car wash
probably the cheapest Zymol car wash produced... but thats okay; some Zymol car cleaning products cost more than most people make in a year.
for myself-
Paul Mitchell tea tree shampoo, conditioner, and styling wash
I love the smell... like green tea and mint fucked and made a wonderfully smelling baby.
Neutogena Daily Acne Wash
cleaned my wash up well. my face feels really smooth.
Bitter Almond body wash
smells like how love should smell.
I enjoy cleaning products.
I'm sorry about the awful pun... and the fact that my masculinity may be in question. But that's okay. I'm quite comfortable being the only male in Ulta smelling different body washed to see which one smells the best.
I also enjoy having a clean car... although its going to get destroyed at my autocross event tomorrow.
Oh yeah... and if you get in my car within the next two weeks... you'll experience some harsh driving. I put my new sway bar in yesterday, and I'm excited about it to say the least.
What a stupid fucking post...
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[Aug. 4th, 2006|02:45 am] |
I'm hanging out with my Dad tomorrow night.
I'm excited.
We are doing guys things.
Doing work on our cars, eating pizza, drinking beer.
My night will be better than yours.
... and my car will have a new sway bar.
... but thats just a bonus. |
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[Aug. 2nd, 2006|03:13 pm] |
today im going to go to Wolf Camera.
then I'm going to buy myself Jamba Juice or Strabucks.
then I'm going to come home, change my guitar strings, and write drop-C metal songs.
then I will look on EBay for a Marshall or Mesa head and Orange cab.
I will then purchase both in about 2 months.
Then you will all know the name "The Death of Pangaea" |
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[Aug. 2nd, 2006|12:58 am] |
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im not very open with people
sometimes i wonder 'am i a cold'? how can i watch someone cry like that and not be affected?
i questioned whether or not i lied today. "everything will be okay." did i mean that?
i said a lot after that... I'm not sure if I believe it, so I guess it could have qualified as lieing.
Lieing is one of the few things I refuse to tolerate from myself and others.
If you lie to me, our friendship is over.
If I lie to others, I lose a lot of respect for myself.
i never tell anyone exactly how im feeling. part of it is i never really know. another part is i dont like people knowing. i dont like it when i feel like i have to rely on other to help me figure out who i am.
im not going to pretend death doesnt happen. im not going to pretend that this isnt going to be hard. i know the future is tough. but i dont care about the future. i care about right now. and that all i should care about.
its weird watching others when they feel helpless. when they realize how alone they are. they usually cry...
i smile.
im starting to realize that ill never know what love is.
but that doesnt bother me.
im starting to see that im searching less and less for meaning.
because i know its not there.
im starting to become much more aware of the idea that my existence isnt real... and that even it will come to an end.
and it doesnt make me feel much differently about myself or my life.
in the end...
in the end... ill just smile.
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[Jul. 30th, 2006|12:20 pm] |
That was actually a good Saturday night.
Dinner in LaGrange.
Scrabble and watching the Sentinel (the older film... not the new Keifer Sutherland version, because Mr. Sutherland is a bad actor)
Sleeping by 11:30
It was good... tame... and I needed sleep. So it worked out.
My cousin needs to get his bass cab. Good things will come from my basement.
I need to be on the computer less and on my guitar more. |
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[Jul. 29th, 2006|02:41 am] |
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I kind of want to say something...
something. |
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[Jul. 28th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
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I want my friend to be happy. |
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[Jul. 27th, 2006|12:37 pm] |
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lookin' back... I've dated some shitty girls haha
lookin' back... I've had some decent bands
I think the whole music/bands over girls thing totally applies to my current lifestyle. I think I'll keep that going. |
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[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:55 pm] |
The last few weeks I have been living differently. I feel like everything I'm experiencing is an excess or extreme of some kind, and I enjoy it a great deal.
For the few months before that, I was living rather timidly. I spent a great deal of time simply living... living simply, just taking life in, but not really embracing it. I'm not viewing that period negatively because it has helped me get to where I am now, but I can say rather confidently that I enjoy life much more as I'm experiencing it right.
Every emotion I'm experiencing is strong. My smile is more pronounced, my laughter is louder, and my hugs are stronger... because I'm fully appreciating what I have. I'm surrounding myself with people that will help me live my life in such a way... people that will bring out that intense laughter and happiness.
Because of this, I'm looking for something different. I'm not searching for comfort. I'm not searching for stability. I have that within me already. I'm searching for those people and things that will make me uncomfortable and lead me to new things. This will lead to new experiences, and I'm rather confident I'll find happiness because of it later.
I'm not wasting time making others comfortable or making an extra effort to make things happen. Things are happening all around me, so why make more happen?
I'm in love with my life right now.
Seeing my sister smile as big as she did when I took her to the Kelly Clarkson concert almost brought me to tears... I was sooo happy to see her singing along and dancing as I held her up on the chair in front of us so she could see. My friend's generous offer allowed us to get off the lawn seats so we didn't get soaked. That made me incredibly happy as well.
And my friends... I love you guys.
I felt like you deserved a real post. So here it is. Short, but it gets the point across.
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[Jul. 20th, 2006|06:57 pm] |
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I'm going to see Clerks 2 at midnight tonight.
I have to be at work at 6 in the morning.
This poses a problem.
So I don't sleep, ya know? Just load up on caffeine and find someone online to talk to me all night... at least until 4:30 or 5.
Then I can work until 1, come home... maybe hang out with my sister then go to sleep...
and sleep...
and sleep...
and hopefully I won't wake up until Saturday morning... which is when I have an autocross.
Then getting food and heading straight to the Kelly Clarkson concert with my sister... for my sister.
The Sunday... I'll sleep forever until band practice.
Sleep... it doesn't really exist. |
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[Jul. 18th, 2006|01:30 pm] |
I'm in the mood to talk about me.
I like:
making space noises with my guitar
listening to music that makes me feel good
listening to music that makes me wonder
driving... and not thinking ever
wearing the same jeans everyday
being up around 4:30-5:00... whether I'm waking up then or still up at that time
having conversations that have nothing to do with anything
cuddling
long kisses
old blankets
Pulp Fiction
the number 5 from Jimmy Johns
Gap boxer briefs
waking up to text messages
livejournal comments and myspace messages
being told im cute by middle-aged black women
waiving to fellow MINI owners on the road... which doesnt happen as often as it should
autocrossing... and feeling good about how I ran
girls who's first name begins with a "K" sound... there's a few I'm thinking of
Things I dislike:
being let down... or letting people let me down (but being friends again is always cool)
allowing people to blame me for their own insecurities (but sometimes its better to just let them go and live unsatisfied)
medication that treats non-physical diseases
I like/understand most things... so thats a short list, and I guess only one of them truly counts. I'm sure there's more... but I like a lot more than I dislike.
Yesterday's storm was pretty intense. It was fun to drive in... I had a good soundtrack for it.
Practice was good. I forgot to pick up my stuff, which could prove to be problematic.
I'm going to go enjoy my day... I'm going to rest, and them I'm going to take the bike out for a spin.
Have an enjoyable day my friends. |
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